Have you ever taken a walk... just for fun? Not for exercise or to get anywhere in particular, just because you wanted to capture a peaceful moment in time? I did this today (almost - I was walking home from lunch, so my purpose WAS to make it home at some point...) But I just leisurely strolled. And it was surprisingly pleasant. Many of you know, that in an effort to make up for my extremely short legs, I have adopted a fast-paced style of walk. But I ignored my need for speed and slowed my usual pace. It's amazing the things you can notice if you're really looking. Like the uneven cobblestones lining the sidewalk. Like the homeless man muttering obscenities under his breath as he briskly passes by. Like the two men smoking in the stairwell of a building as they animatedly (and loudly) argue about who will likely be the next president of the United States. Did I mention they have the strongest Boston accents I have heard since moving to Massachusetts? Their brute attitude makes me smile. As I walk I keep noticing the color of the sky (this might sound lame - but I appreciate a blue, blue sky), the mangy-looking birds pecking at street garbage, the $1 books for sale. I scan the titles for anything I would by remotely interested in reading, but only come up with, "Mansfield Park" by Jane Austen. Pass.
I am happy to have this moment. A peaceful 10-minute walk home has done something, nurturing almost, for my spirit. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to hurry somewhere, meet some deadline, busy myself with a combination of school, work, and expectation. I am happy to be relieved of an albatross of pressure that I brought upon myself in the past several months. The fall semester of 2011 is a whirlwind of manic memories, each lived with purpose but not with peace. Last semester can't even be described with words. While I was moving, working, in school, attempting to make new friends, attempting to keep up relationships with old friends, and managing my heart and emotions in the midst of unknown circumstances... well, needless to say, my heart got weary. And it needed some rearranging. This blog was the least of my priorities and I let it go slack. However, I realize that writing is the best way for me to organize my brain waves. I won't even try to explain the semester away. I will just let it pass into my memories and I move forward with more purpose. And hopefully a bit more peace. Perhaps this new-found hope is a several-week delay of "new years' resolution" feelings, but I don't mind being behind the times. Happily, I can watch the clock and measure my time without it escaping me. Masquerading as my friend and then stabbing me in the back with a mean and gleeful "haha, you lost your day to me AGAIN!" Does this make any sense? It doesn't have to. My body is starting to come into balance with my brain. And my heart. And my scary dreams.
Why are our dreams so scary? There are moments when you feel like you are closing in on your dream, so close to achieving it that you can smell it, taste it, make plans around it. And then there are those elusive moments, where you feel SO FAR from it. How will you ever get there? What about all the other factors that will, without a doubt, hold you back from achievement? Achieving. I wish there were another word to describe the bridge between your dream imagined and your dream in reality. "Achieve" just sounds so... accomplished. But I want a word that begs for more creativity and free-form than "achieve." Whatever. I would just like to see my dreams achieved. Could this be my year? The past few weeks have had me feeling closer, although my situation has changed very little. I am still a girl in undergrad, studying far away from her actual university, supporting the man of her dreams in his search for HIS dream (we talk about dreams A LOT in our little family), while braving the cold and mysterious and wonderful Boston winter. Well, Cambridge, to be exact.
Yes, I probably sound loopy. I probably sound much too day-dreamy and self-centered and just, LAME. But at least I'm alive. And I'm back! Bring on the sun.