"What Are You Proud Of?"

"What Are You Proud Of?"
It was a very good question she posed.

"What are you proud of?"

I glanced around the warmly-lit table, littered with appetizer plates and cocktail napkins, earnestly seeking the eyes of my friends as they processed this question for themselves. These women. Each one present at this table, each one here to celebrate the wonderful year we had. A post-Christmas, post-New Years get together, a celebration of all kinds of sorts. These dear old friends whom I trusted and loved and yet, I didn't know their answer to this question. Which means they probably didn't know mine.

What am I proud of. What am I proud of?

"Babies aside, of course," she qualified.

Well, of course. We all had given birth to our first babies within the past 18 months, so that trump card had to be set aside. Which, in all ways, made the question even more challenging. And surprisingly intimate. Having a baby is such an obvious answer to this question, which meant I would have to dig a little deeper to pinpoint exactly what else I am proud of. What made me proud over the course of the past year? What did I accomplish? What did I surprise myself by doing? Other than birthing a human?

Suddenly my answer was very very clear. As I began speaking, my body was pulsed with a kind of euphoria that comes from an incredible sense of clarity. It's what we external processors experience when we realize we are finally coming to terms with something as we discuss it. And I want to share this bit of revelation with you today, because my "ah-ha!" is not an obvious one. It's not a duh, I-won-the-Nobel, nailed it!- kind of answer.

I am proud because about 18 months ago, I moved to New York City and attempted my life-long dream of becoming an actress. And I am proud because I kind of fell flat on my face in doing so.

This might seem like the wrong approach. Like, hello Kristen, did you hear the question correctly? But this is precisely why I am proud of what I did. I set my sights on something incredibly scary. And you know what? A lot of things that I was scared of, well, they came true. But I'm here. I lived through it. I didn't crumble.

I want you to imagine the biggest dream in your heart, ever. The thing you're scared to think, let alone actually voice to anyone. The thing that you're so embarrassed that you would ever even dare to dream. The thing that makes you sweat and tremble. That thing, for me, has always been acting. It might always be acting. It's been a life-long hobby, the earliest desire I can remember, a kind of dream vocation, and last year, it was my number one priority. Until I saw this strip turn pink. Suddenly my life just changed. It was no longer my own. But that's another story. Not the story I'm here to tell you today.

But when I moved to New York (three months prior to the whole strip-changing-pink-thing), I did so without any real connections in the business. I decided to dig my heels into the swirling world of auditioning for television and commercial roles in hopes of landing some awesome gig and then, you know, figured I'd be hitting the Oscars parties later in the year. Just kidding (I mean, only a little.) But I was committed to this dream. I built myself a business plan. Fresh head shots, brand new website, new reel, new business cards, the works. And I put myself out there in a big way. I auditioned for an artist development program (and got it!), landed two agents and a talent manager, and auditioned for all kinds of roles that made me uncomfortable and challenged and sweaty. So sweaty. I carried deodorant and applied it in the elevators on my way up to each audition room. I got lost on the subway, attempting to find my way to different studios around town. Clutching my headshot and resume, and later, pregnancy books and healthy snacks (to keep me busy in the waiting rooms), I did some strange auditions. Once I was asked to portray complete "frailty" and vulnerability by using only my facial features. "No words?" I asked, trembling and clenching the script close to my heart. The script they had given me, the one I had memorized. "Forget the words," the director answered. "Feel the moment. Use your expression." Ummmmm k. Then they ran the camera for 5 minutes of silence. That was awkward. Needless to say, I was pretty frail and vulnerable when I left that audition. And no, I did not get the part.

In fact, that brings me to what I wanted to share with you next. I didn't get the part. I didn't get hardly any parts. I was in New York for just shy of a year, and I don't really have any substantial *wins* to my acting resume from that experience. I just auditioned a lot. I auditioned several times each week. I took a ton of classes, usually along with 2-3 seminars per week. I had private coaching sessions. I met with agents and casting directors and other actors. I made actor friends. I made a fool of myself so often. Each time I stepped out my apartment door, I took a deep breath and knew that I was walking into the unknown. Knew that I could get asked all kinds of strange questions in the audition room. Knew that I had to prepare for literally anything. "Get down on the floor and bark like a dog", could be the direction once I got in that audition room, and I had to prepare myself for that. I pushed all kinds of personal limits and challenged myself every day. I was really, truly, squeamishly uncomfortable for the good part of a year.

And I have very little to show for it. At least on paper.

And you know what? I feel really, really proud of this. I do! I am proud of being a risk taker and going for my dream. So often, people only share their harrowing stories once they accomplish their big dream. I'm here today to tell you that you don't just have to be proud of yourself once a big, monumental, Frodo-esque journey is behind you. I am proud of myself for the strange, semi-awkward, mid-journey swagger of which I am currently toeing the line.

I am a work in progress.

I am not finished becoming me.

I am not finished taking risks.

I didn't become a famous, accomplished actress last year. I did everything in my power, everything I knew to do, even after I became pregnant, and you know what? My dream did not come true. It just didn't. But that's not the end of my dream or the end of my story. I didn't shrivel up and just die.

Instead of the year being all about me and my dreams, it became all about this crazy wonderful unexpected little person named Everett. So even though I invested all this time and energy into my own self, it became entirely about someone else. Him. I became his mom. That was an enormous surprise to me. And you know what's funny? Becoming a mom, well, that's someone else's big dream. And somewhere out there, someone who always dreamed of becoming a mom is probably having the big break of their lives in Hollywood because they just nailed an audition for a killer part. That. Is life. *Cue this Alanis Morissette jam*

Do I question the timing of everything? Sure, who wouldn't. But I want to encourage you, especially if you're mulling over the dreams in your own heart, the personal risks that you have taken, and the supposed "failures" that you've had. If you feel like you fit into one of those categories, I congratulate you. You are awesome for taking a risk and for enduring all the voices who said you couldn't/shouldn't do it. Because that incredible risk you took, well, did it kill you? If you're still breathing while you read this, it didn't. Which means your likely to take another risk in your long, delicately lovely life. And for those of you who are pre-risk? You are toying around with the idea of doing something "insane" to go after your dream? I encourage you to do it. There might be all kinds of "failure" at the end of the rainbow. There might really be. Or there might be an entirely new opportunity that ironically appears like a diamond in the rough. You might realize your dream has morphed. You might realize the dream isn't really the dream. You might realize you embody the person you've always wanted to be, and the dream was just a driver to get you to that personal place of bliss and success.

Welcome to the club. This isn't the club of snazzy do-ers. This is the haven for risk-takers and situation-celebrators. The lemonade-makers, the challenge-attractors and the laugh-instead-of-cry-at-my-circumstance-ers. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me.

Sunday Gratitude

There is no other way to put it. This has been a wild week. I've been scurrying around Boston town attending auditions and workshops in the thick white snow that paid us a very long visit mid-week. It snowed torrentially for two days straight until the sky opened up to the sunshine yesterday. Which led to incredibly fast melting ice. I slipped and almost cracked my head on an iced, cobblestone sidewalk. It's a wild world out there.

My Week in Pictures.

// Beer Sampler at John Harvards // Strange relic at the Somerville Movie Theater // Submitted My Sister for a Model Casting Call, perhaps without her knowledge... // They have honey-graham flavored yogurt at Berryline! //

Reflection.
I find that when my life has become so jam-packed with to-do's that I forget to meditate on what is truly important. Everything gets lost in the rushed fog. And then I forget what even happened all week long! Does this happen to anyone else? It's like, I know I was busy, but what in the world was I doing? Sitting down and intentionally reflecting on the week really helps me maintain perspective.

This week, I am thankful for my dreams. I have spent a long time shelfing certain dreams, thinking that maybe, one day, I'll reach up and perhaps pull that one down and have a look at it. But the truth is, I feel that dream looking down at me from the shelf, its eyes begging me to give it a chance. Even when I think that I am in control of it, it's been nagging at my heart and my heart has a big expressive mouth, so I never hear the end of it. Alas. I am only beginning, but I have been doing my best to pull my dreams off of that shelf, shake off their age-old dust and give them a shot. I have no idea if I'm doing it the right way, but I am at least trying, and Dreams are the motivator. Dreams drive those to-do lists and busy schedules. If they aren't the fuel behind my everyday life, I find that I am easily tired out and apathetic. So, this week, though I haven't really anything to show for them (yet!), I am thankful for my God-given dreams and their potential.

Do you have one specific dream that you have purposely said "No" to over and over again? Does it (in a non-creepy way) haunt you a bit when you think of what could become of it? I dare you to take a long look at it this week. Really consider all its beautiful potential. There is no one in the world exactly like YOU, so cherishing those dreams and taking baby steps toward them is something that no one else can do. It's up to you. In the words of one of my favorites, "Dream on, dream until your dreams come true."

The Dream Project: Let it Begin

"It isn't necessary for you, the actor, to like yourself - self-love isn't easy to come by for most of us - but you must learn to trust who you are. There is no one else like you."

I started re-reading an old acting book called "Audition" by Michael Shurtleff. It's the actor's bible, in a way. And aren't we supposed to be in the Word everyday? Ha, bible humor. Some Christians out there just chuckled a little. Okay they probably didn't. Anyways, I've begun re-reading this book because I am baby stepping my way into acting (with my eyes closed and my armpits sweaty) because, I guess, this is what it looks like to try to go for your dreams. Fear, terror, sweat and the occasional chest pain. I am so looking forward to this.

Confession.
I've reached an impasse in my life. I'm 25 years old and I've had the same dream since I can remember. I was a tiny little child dressing up in my Strawberry Shortcake bedsheets (I made them into a princess gown) and I draped my mom's necklaces on my head as a crown. Alright, every little girl played dress up and wanted to be a princess, but I didn't. I just wanted to play the princess. I also wanted to play the bad guy, the fearless leader, the timid underdog, the quirky sidekick. I wanted to play characters. Pathetic as it may sound, I still do. And I'm not getting any younger, so it's about time I pursue this gig all-out and see if I get any traction. In the case that I DON'T, well then... plan B. I'll let you know when I figure out what that is. I enjoy water color painting, so perhaps that? You should probably be rooting for me in this acting thing. I'm not that good at water colors.

There is a point to all of this.

Dream. Project.
I am excited to announce a launch of The Dream Project, which is (drum roll, please) a happy new endeavor I made up and I'm dragging my dear friend Carrie into. I decided that I probably need accountability on this long road to pursuing the actor's dream, and my friend Carrie, well, she's on a dreamy journey, as well. We both have dreams. We both have time on our hands. And we both have a ticking clock, as we are moving away from each other and Boston in a few very short months. We could use each other's talents, brains, time and resources to kick start ourselves into our destinies. So that's just what we're gonna do.

The Plan.
Every good project has a plan. Even more importantly, every good project has action steps. Carrie and I meet once a week, make a list, and then have at it. To be totally honest, we see each other a lot more than once a week, and we tend to color and munch on snacks, which is why it's important that we dedicate specific time to this project. Her brain processes things completely differently than mine, which makes her an excellent companion. I can already tell this is going to be a beautiful thing.

I wanted to share the beginning of this long endeavor with you. There are many details that I will fill you in on. Lots of change and excitement in the coming weeks and months in my household (moving to NYC, pursuing a creative career, just minor stuff, you know....)

I'm scared to pursue my dream, but I'm even more scared of what I will become if I don't. An old bitter woman. Ew nobody likes her. Stick with me as I dream big and audition my tail off.

Dreamscape: Celebrating the Musician

Let's Celebrate.
I think it's important to take time to recognize people in your life who have accomplished extraordinary things. Ordinary people who dream of spectacular and impossible things. As children, we actually believe that we can become ballerinas, doctors and astronauts. In reality, those professions are next to impossible to actually do. The training, education and experience is often cutthroat, demanding and, even if you submit your life over to such a dream, the success rate is oh-so low. Which is why I want to take a moment to celebrate Josh Fisher.

Throwback.
I've known Josh my entire life. Our families are old friends and we grew up vacationing together, going to church together celebrating holidays. Josh is several years older than me, so he was always the cool older brotherly-type guy in the church youth group with the long wild red hair and wicked sense of humor. Josh dreamed of playing drums for a living. You could chalk this up to a nearly-impossible profession like the astronaut. So few people ever really make a spankin' living as a musician. But Josh was relentless. He pursued his love for drumming and sharpened his talent throughout middle and high school and had the opportunity to play with some significant, professional Christian bands during his twenties. You can only imagine my excitement when Josh officially became a part of the family, marrying my stunningly-beautiful cousin Lisa (who rivals him with her fiercely witty humor and altogether awesomeness.) A match made in Heaven. Lisa, being the kickass wife that she is, fully supported Josh's pursuit of music. I have watched them in amazement over the years, knowing that it probably isn't always easy pursuing one's dreams. They have remained unfailing in their love for one another and their passion for music. It's one thing to talk about dreams. It's entirely another thing to fight for the dream, sacrifice for it, never knowing if the sacrifice will be worth it. Training for that hoped-for moment of success. Waiting with fear-laced, bated breath for the day the scales tip in your favor, the day someone recognizes your talent, the day you are promoted into living your dream. Josh and Lisa have displayed that die-hard vigor for pursuing the magic in their hearts. They are some of the few who know what it means to walk in faith.

Enter, Jesus Culture.
Last week, I went to see Josh play in front of 70,000 people at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta with his band, Jesus Culture. I watched in thrill and awe as this inspiring, unfailing man rocked the house with his hypnotizing, rhythmic talent. I looked around and saw the faces of strangers all around me, moving to the music, lost in the moment. I saw him on the big screen as the cameras zoomed in on his drum solos. It was an epic moment. He was living it. His time had arrived. There he was, living in the middle of his dream, down there on that impressive stage.

Hope.
Josh's life is a testimony, an inspired omen to all of us who hope and wonder if our time, and our dreams, will ever come to pass. He has proved that getting in the business of pursuing dreams is the most fulfilling way to live. There will surely be moments where fear creeps in, but that fear is a choice. In his case, he smashed that fear like a cymbal (that's my only attempt at drum humor, I promise).

It's Time.
What does Josh's story mean to me? I think it is so vitally important to celebrate those around you who have their crowning moment of dream glory. It is a such a beautiful and rare thing to experience the pure joy of dreams come true. If you have a dream that scares you to pieces, the best way to overcome that fear is to take a selfless moment and celebrate others. Stop thinking about you. I dare you to look around; I'll bet you will begin to see people all around you that are truly extraordinary, accomplishing significant feats. Focusing on another's dream will create a raw gratitude in your own heart, and will give you ammo to move forward in your own pursuit of excellence. Thanks to Josh, I am sure of the powerful strength of our human nature. We are brilliant, beautiful, curious and a reflection of our maker. Let's get on it. 2013 is ripe and ready for our mark on this world.

Adventure: Getting Air

Teeny Tiny Plane.
That's what I took a ride in. Do you see the smallness of that precious, tiny airplane?? Oliver, who is a dear friend and classmate of Stevie's, offered to take us (and our other good friend, the beautiful Andrea) up in the sky for a leisurely flight over the city. Because apparently some people fly planes as a hobby. I watch movies, bake treats and lick the cookie batter off the beater. Those are my hobbies. But Oliver, well, he flies planes. He spent his youthful years in Germany studying and training in order to get his pilots license, and now he's the guy that says, "Well, on Saturday I'm planning on flying over Boston. Wanna come?" I literally laugh everyday at the amazing people that I've met over the past year and a half. Oliver is one of those amazing, talented people. Coincidentally, so is the beautiful Andrea. (I like Andrea so much that I wrote an article about her. It's a real girl crush.)

Map.
Oliver chose to fly Sky Hawk on this particularly gorgeous day. Does that sound like a James Bond movie to anyone else? Apparently Sky Hawk is his favorite plane in the plane park (I clearly have no idea what you call a place that holds tiny planes for people like us to ride around in. 'Airport' seems too ordinary a word for this experience.) We flew over the downtown area of Boston and then headed over Cambridge, where we checked out their school (see below for the stadium photo!) and we even saw our apartment! All from the sky. Who are we. This is a once in a lifetime experience. Oh my gosh.

Mmm.

I mean, is it just me or do I look like I'm in an episode of "The Bachelor" right now? That's certainly what I felt like as I was climbing into this tiny (have I mentioned just how tiny this plane was? I mean, the size of a Fiat. Or smart car. Bitty baby plane.) Except that in "The Bachelor" those girls are never appropriately dressed for the elements, and I actually stayed quite toasty in my layers.

Moment.

I know that flying in a plane is no big deal. People do it everyday and its not any kind of magical experience. But on this day, our experience felt special because: A) Our friend was the pilot (duh, so cool) and B) I had this moment.

It sort of hit me as we were elevated 3000 feet above our city. There I was, seeing the Earth in a way I've never seen it. Having a bird's eye perspective gave me a little metaphysical perspective, too. Life can be strange and unexpected and sometimes, a friggin' bummer, but wow, when you see the whole picture... it's honestly breathtaking. And I wasn't realizing all of this just because my center of gravity was off and I was a little nauseous from sitting in the back. Seeing Cambridge, my town, from up above was a little overwhelming. This is a place that my husband and I used to talk about, used to dream of living in, and here we are 5 years later seeing it sprawl for miles and miles all around. It was captivating and complex and sort of intimidating. Because it was in that moment that I realized that I am living in the dream. This adventure was our dream for so many years, and now I am able to be a part of my beautiful man living in his dream and thriving in it. And, quite literally, flying over it. Is there anything better? I am so grateful. It hasn't been the easiest adventure, but I bet Frodo would have agreed that not all adventures go the way you plan. Yeah, I went all LOTR on you there (it had to happen.) But honestly, seeing the hugeness of our world from the window of a tiny prop plane got me excited for the future.

Here's to adventures, those dreamed and even those unplanned, coming together before your eyes and sprawling like a masterpiece. I hope you are able to take a moment and realize that some part of your current situation is due a dream you had a while ago. Maybe everything isn't perfect in your world, and maybe the sky is falling. But I bet there is something that was worth fighting for, and you won it, and now you are living in the middle of that dream. What a beautiful moment for gratitude.