Remembering and Forgetting.

My little boy is 6 months old, and I'm starting to forget.

I close my eyes really tight and try to conjure up the moments leading up to his birth. That incredible pain. Fear. The anticipation of meeting him. The strange wonder if it really was a him or if the doctors had somehow detected the "It's a boy!"-fact wrong. The clinical taste in the room. The sweat slicking all too easily off my skin. The early afternoon light peering through the window, bending in prisms around the Atlanta skyline. My husband's face, spilling over with hope and confidence in me. I can see his mouth forming words, coaching, encouraging, but I can't hear anything. He's speaking to me, for me, cheering me on, but I can't hear. I want to hear it, but I can only feel. His words are pulsing me. My body metabolizes every morsel, each utter, energizing the next push, and the next, and the next. Crying? No, there's no time for that. All the energy, emotion, spirit, power, it's all channeled into these few final, steady, manic moments. Breathe and push. Push like you never knew you could. The intrinsic, most feminine forces of my existence knitting together for the final gasps. This heady, rich sensation. Like being close to death but also very close to life. Everything suddenly crisps and I am there, body stammering, squatting, peeling my way around, and then. Then.

I. Am. So. Glad. It is over.

He's here. He's mine. Wow, that's what he looks like. He looks so small and yet so so big. Rippled body, ruddy face, covered in a slimy something that I should find disgusting, except that I can't. Because he is so mine. And instantly I am his. And I know know know this is what I was created to do. I don't understand the journey until that very moment, the whole life journey that I've taken, but all of the sudden I know that he was part of the purpose all along.

Well, I guess I can remember it.

But I am forgetting a little bit day by day and I don't know if that's a good thing. Because I want to remember it as much as I want to forget it. And at the same time I find myself staring at him, this little boy who can already do so much, this beautiful specimen that I created, and I just wonder if it happened to me at all. I wonder if it was all unreal, if I'm remembering some scene from a movie, and not the most authentic moment of my being.

These are the feelings I haven't quite been able to process for 6 months. Six months to the day, actually. I'm starting to come out of a fog, though. Out of the fog, and I am grasping for this powerful memory that I may or may not be able to really remember. But as it unfolds itself to me, I am undone and overwhelmed at the gift. Staring in wonder and amazement at my dear-hearted, beautiful boy.

The Many Faces of Everett + Travel Tips?

The Many Faces of Everett + Travel Tips?
I really have tried to resist over-sharing baby pictures. Yet somehow I have turned into that monsterous baby-crazed lady, snapping 100+ photos a day of my child laying, playing, sleeping, screaming. I love them all. ALL. And yet I do feel sort of coo-coo for being that way. How did this happen? TO ME. I kind of can't believe it. I was never even a baby person. Not until Everett.

And oh my, Everett. He is full of personality. Has the strongest will. He is so funny and expressive. He gets bored way too easily. He doesn't just cry, he knows how to WAIL. He wants China to hear him. He really doesn't do anything half-heartedly. He is 100% present in all his feelings. And he has a lot of feelings. Like just now. He is feeling super annoyed that I put him down in his pack n' play to write this post. He's all like, "Lady, you think this mobile is entertaining? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM." And now he's crying. Translated from baby talk, that means he's hollering at me. Confession: I always hated it when other people's children would cry. It just sounded so irritating and distracting. And like, loud. However, when my baby cries, I just feel super bad for him. I find myself asking him over and over again, "What do you need? What can I do for you?!" - as if he will open his mouth and respond. Well, I guess he does respond. We just aren't speaking the same language quite yet. Although... we are getting there!

So I had to share a few of these wonderfully sweet photos of my babe-man from the past month. He cracks me up. It's okay if he doesn't crack you up, that's understandable. But you can humor me. BECAUSE I MADE HIM.

I'M BORED MOM.

// He likes to keep a little extra in his neck roll. For later. //

// I mean... seriously? Middle left?! BOTTOM RIGHT!! My uterus just skipped like 6 beats. //

In other news, we are heading back to NYC for a quick trip in a few weeks. Any tips on how to fly with a baby, get around a big city with a baby in tow, and any special products to pack would be suuuuper appreciated! I'll admit that I am a little nervous to fly with him because he just isn't the kind of child who will sit quietly in the corner. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER. (Sorry, couldn't leave that one unsaid.) But seriously, he is not a docile, sleep-everywhere-all-the-time kind of kid. So... yeah. Help please.

Are you ready for Halloween? I am trying so hard to convince Stevie to do a family-themed costume for the 3 of us. So far he is putting up all kinds of "NO" to my ideas. But we will see if that lasts :)

Picking Muscadines & Scuppernongs.

Picking Muscadines & Scuppernongs.
Whew! Happy weekend to you! Our weekend got off to a bit of a shaky start. My little Everett decided to turn his behavioral clock back to when he was a brand-newborn and wake up all through the night again. This has gone on for four nights in a row. Just when I thought we were on to something! Any new mom tips on getting your child to sleep through the night are much appreciated. ALSO. I wanted to thank all of you who gave such encouraging feedback on last weeks post about Mompetition. I'm astounded at how many people have felt that icky mom-judgement. But all your kind words, camaraderie and commitment to stop judging and start loving on other mamas really touched me. Let's keep it up! Every time we have a "judgy" thought about another mama, let's squash it and take the time to encourage her instead. It's the best thing we can do for each other!


Finally Fall!
I wanted to share a suuuuuper fun Autumn activity! A few weeks ago Stevie and I packed up Everett (in his fancy new Baby Gap outfit from his surrogate Auntie Natalie) and ventured out to pick muscadines in our hometown. I can't believe I never did this growing up! It was so invigorating to finally feel a chill in the air and actually experience the weather of the season. This fall has been so different in our household... instead of apple picking and devouring cider donuts (like we did when we lived in Boston), we've been up to our ears in swaddles, lullabies and trying to get our baby to take a bottle. It's just a whole new experience this fall. So while the hayrides and corn maizes will have to wait 'til next year, I couldn't bear going the whole season without heading out to a farm and picking something. Since all the good apple farms are at least two hours away (and that drive seems a bit daunting with our spirited newborn), the next best thing was picking muscadines. Literally right around the corner from our house.

I had a vague idea of what a muscadine was (a super thick-skinned spicy grape), but scuppernongs escaped me. What a funny word to say. Try to say it out loud. SCUPPERNONG. See? It's just so silly. Anyway, I was uber disappointed to learn that scuppernongs are just a lighter-colored muscadine. There is practically no difference. The disappointment lasted for about 6 seconds, because then I tasted one. They are so delicious. PEOPLE. Why do apples get all the good press in the fall? MUSCADINES ARE THE NEW APPLE. Now go pick you some.

// Ready to dive //

// Fruits of our labor //

// My little bear slept the whole time! //

// Those bubbles. Those paws. //

// Gotcha, mom!! //

// We stumbled across this beauty in the parking lot. My favorite part might be the photo bomber, though :) //

Happy Fall Weekend to You!
I hope you have the happiest, most fulfilling, adventurous AND restful weekend. Is it possible? Hmm I like to think so. Enjoy your Saturday!

Postpartum: Recovery Essentials

Postpartum Recovery Essentials.
Having a baby. Oh my. There are some THINGS we women should be talking about.

For all you new mamas (and mothers-to-be!), I compiled a list of the essential items that really helped me through the first month of recovering from labor. The weeks after giving birth were really challenging, but I thought it would be difficult only because of the lack of sleep and learning how to take care of the baby. I had gone through an un-medicated 36 hour-long labor, so you can imagine that I thought the hard part was over once the baby was actually out. I had no idea that the recovery process for my own body would be just as demanding as caring for my new babe. There are so many things people don't tell you! So I wanted to pass along the few items that really helped me overcome the physical recovery process (even though at 8 weeks postpartum, I can tell you I am definitely still recovering!) For you single gals, I don't want to scare you... but maybe you don't need to read this until you're actually pregnant and prepping for your postpartum recovery experience. This post might seem a little too-TMI for you. However, once you become a mom, there is nothing off-limits when it comes to discussing bodily functions. You sort of lose that squeamish edge once you've had a dozen people watch your naked body contort in all the most unflattering of positions to actually birth a baby.

This info is geared towards those breastfeeding mamas recovering from a vaginal delivery, though I imagine some of this would be applicable no matter what type of birth experience you have. So without further adieu...

Wear Essentials: Note: I covered some of theses items in My Hospital Bag post.
- Nursing Tanks - I have been living in these Gillian O'Malley for Target Tanks and these Motherhood Maternity Seamless Nursing Camis (also, Jessica Simpson makes this awesome version with a built-in tummy tightener.) These tanks seriously make nursing so much easier and are super comfy. Also you don't need to wear a bra with them, SCORE.

- Nursing Bras - When you do have to go out and wear normal clothes, a nursing bra is a necessity. These can get pricey, which is why I did a happy dance when I found this extremely comfy, supportive (and affordable!) Gillian O'Malley nursing bra at Target. It doesn't have any underwire, so it's comfortable enough to sleep in and the easy snaps make it suuuuuper for nursing.

- Comfy Undies - These are to wear during the few weeks after you deliver the babe while your body is healing. I got a six pack similar to this at Target. You want to get a size that would fit you during your pregnancy (so a little larger than your normal, pre-preggo self) in dark colors. Don't invest too much here, you want something you don't mind tossing if they get ruined.

- Cozy PJs - You are going to be living in your pajamas for a while after giving birth, so make sure you're comfortable! I've been rocking a steady uniform of nursing tanks, yoga pants and a gorgeously soft robe that Stevie gifted me with for Easter this year. These items have been my comfort during the first few weeks/months of nursing with Everett. When your hormones are raging during postpartum, your temperature fluctuates a lot! Be ready to shed layers and then put them right back on. Having something cozy to wear around the house has been a delight.

- Danskin Waist Trimmer Belt - This was loaned to me by my darling sister-in-law Katie, who swears this helped her get her midsection back after her first baby. I wore it interchangeably with my Bellaband during the first two weeks postpartum. I know it takes a lot of time to get your body back after a baby, and mine isn't anywhere close to what it used to be. But I like to think that making this little effort will help?

Healing & Recovery Essentials:
- Silhouette Depends - Don't cry. You won't have to wear these forever. But during the first several weeks after the baby is born, yeah. These are things I wish someone would have told me. So when you send your husband out to the store to pick up your baby's diapers, make sure he grabs a pack of your diapers too. Seriously, you've got to stop crying.

- Poise Ultimate Absorbency Pads - These pads are pretty much the most giant, super absorbent, overnight kind of pad on the market. The nurses at the hospital taught me to layer these inside the Depends. And I've never felt so sexy.

- Tucks Witch Hazel Pads - These are really cooling and comforting for the nether regions, whether you are healing up with stitches or dealing with post-labor hemorrhoids (yep, that's also a thing). Layer them in your pads, within your Depends, and you're good to go. (I'm pretty sure this method is how Stella got her groove back.) I know, you're tears are probably raging at this point. Just power through.

- Perineal Bottle - Hopefully the hospital will give you one of these. It helps clean your "down there" area when its too tender to wipe.

- Sitz Bath - Again, I'm sure your hospital will send you home with this little device, and you should do the sitz bath at least once a day for the first several weeks postpartum. It will help everything heal up just right. Little tip: I HATED taking a sitz bath. So to encourage the full 10 minutes that I just had to sit there... I painted my nails. I had some GOOD nails going in the first few weeks postpartum. Silver lining?

- Smooth Move Tea - Bless my dear doula. She brought this tea to me a day after I got home from the hospital and it works. Helped move my digestion along, since everything slows way down after birthing a baby.

- Probiotic Supplement - I started taking this Jarro-Dophilus supplement when I was pregnant, and my midwife recommended I stay on it while I'm breastfeeding (especially since my little one has a super sensitive tummy.)

- A SHOWER - I swear by this one. Taking a shower everyday is not only good for keeping your body clean so it heals up well... but I truly think it will help you keep sane. I loved taking a shower everyday (and I still do!) even if I wasn't going anywhere and if the only person I saw all day was my little baby. A shower just makes me feel like myself again.

Breastfeeding Essentials:
- Honest Co. Nipple Balm - THIS STUFF IS GOLD. Seriously, if I can recommend any product, this is it! This balm is like magic for the nips. It's made of completely natural, food-grade ingredients so it's safe for baby.

- Lasinoh Disposable Nursing Pads - These are dumb, but you have to use them. You don't want to milk all over the place. Which totally happens. Yeah, the good times keep on rolling.

- Lasinoh Soothies Breast Pads - I was ready to raise the white flag at one point, because initially breastfeeding is just so painful. These little guys helped me power through. I couldn't believe how fast they worked! Within a day I was feeling an enormous sense of relief.

- Milkmaid Nursing Pillow - I have been SO pleased with this nursing pillow, especially after trying a few others. The design, the materials used, the shape - it's all SO perfect for nursing the baby, whether bottle feeding or breastfeeding. It has kept my back from wearing out completely, because breastfeeding can be super exhausting.

- Mothers Milk Tea - This tea promotes lactation, which is helpful when trying to build up your milk supply. I thought it would taste awful, but it doesn't! It's got a smooth, peppermint-y flavor, and I've been trying to drink it once a day just to keep my milk flowin'. Yes.

- Hylands Baby Colic Tablets - My baby has a sensitive tummy, and these tablets have really helped calm him down when he wails. I feel so so bad for him because I can feel his stomach tense up (he gets really gassy), so while I am trimming my diet down to really bland foods, I have also been giving him these homeopathic tablets to calm his tummy. They really work!

- Water - This one may seem simple, but its seriously so essential. You body is going to be flushing out fluids over the coming weeks, and its super important to re-hydrate so that you can make milk, etc. It won't be hard though - you will be waking up in the middle of the night sweating and thirsty! Keep a bottle of water with you at all times and keep filling it up throughout the day.

Other Essentials:

- HELP! - I have been overwhelmingly blessed to be surrounded by so much family during my postpartum process. Being surrounding by loved ones during this incredible experience created a safe environment for me to make mistakes, cry and slowly figure "it" out. And also, it's wondrous to have someone cook you a bit of breakfast, do a few (or in my case, ALL) loads of laundry, clean up your bathroom, and just help out in the areas where you need it! I am so indebted to my sister and mom, it's not even funny. They were lifesavers.

- Talking - I am still mentally and emotionally processing the birth of my son. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Talking to people really, really helps. I have spent hours discussing the different aspects of the birth with my amazing husband, my mom (who is also a certified life coach, SCORE!), and my precious friend and doula, Liz. I truly believe that having a birth experience that differs from your expectations, coupled with the raging hormones, can contribute to postpartum depression. While I am still overcoming different "road blocks" in my mind, having continued support has really helped me avoid plummeting into those darker places. I am so, so grateful that they have been willing to re-hash the birth with me so that I can talk it through and gain some inner-healing.

- Meals - My darling friend Tricia organized a Meal Train using Take Them A Meal, and let me tell you what, IT WAS AMAZING. Having a schedule of folks who were willing to bless us with a meal was so incredibly helpful during those first few weeks. I still don't have the capacity or desire to cook anything, so having that meal support was another thing that I didn't have to worry about. Thank you to everyone who blessed us with such yummy food!

- Sleep - I have been especially bad about napping. But it is honestly the thing that heals you up the MOST. It's been personally hard for me to nap because my son doesn't like napping during the day (yeah, I KNOW), but anytime the baby goes down, I should be napping too. You don't get brownie points for staying awake and doing laundry. Just freakin' TAKE A NAP. Your body is craving it so badly. And you will need those power naps to get you through the day and those endless nights. Believe me.

A Few Resources: Reading through these other blog posts really encouraged me during the healing process.

Postpartum Must-Haves for Mommies

Body After Baby: What to Expect After You Deliver

Making it Through the Last Month of Pregnancy

You Can Do This!
I hope all of this helps with your recovery. It feels like an eternity when you're in the midst of it, but those little babies grow and change SO much from week to week. Believe me, your body, mind and heart will be changing and healing, too! Give yourself lots of time to recover, give yourself grace when you feel like you aren't measuring up, and let go of comparisons and expectations. Everyone heals at a different pace because everyone's birth story is unique to them. But these sweet newborn moments are fleeting - you never get the beginning back again! So soak it up!

For those who have already gone through labor and delivery, are there any tips or products that helped during postpartum? I'd love to hear about what worked for you. Feel free to comment below!

Life Lately.

Life lately.
A lot has been happening. All big changes. New experiences. While my son is hard-wiring for his lifetime here on Earth, I feel like I've transported to life on another planet. I'm wildly exhausted and scurried, yet I feel like I'm getting nothing done all day. I know that raising a baby is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I can do with my time right now. But it can be challenging to constantly remain positive about it when the days are endlessly long and pretty freakin' hard. And when I feel like my brain cells are being depleted and I am morphing into a mere milking, diapering, baby-holding buffoon. I used to have real world skills! I think. My emotions vacillate from over-the-moon-infatuated with my darling baby to... purely depleted and sometimes weepy. Just depends on the hour. And how much sleep I've gotten.

My life lately?

Midnight milk parties, consumed by my little babe's sleepy noises and milk-laced grins. And of course, these are the moments I so desperately want to capture, and CAN'T, because the room is so darn dark. I wish the iPhone made an infrared camera.

I keep finding colic tablets in my sheets. Am I producing them?

Re-swaddling the maverick child who un-swaddled himself, then knocked himself in the face with his puppy-hands, then cried about it. Then woke me up. Then mommy cried too.

Eating the same foods everyday because they are the most surefire way to NOT upset his tummy. 24 hours of a baby wailing because I ate garlic, yogurt or salsa just isn't fun. And it also isn't worth it.

Trying every possible comforting sound, movement, song and dance (yes, I am baby whipped and dancing like a monkey) just to give my under-stimulated, overly-bored and often-times tummy-aching child some distraction and relief. I've run out of all the good ideas. But I'll attempt all the lame ones too.

My daily mantra: "Please God, give me grace and give Everett peace. Let him know I love him so much. And get me to my 8pm glass of wine."

Don't even get me started on how often I get peed upon. I've started to think about it as the anointing of the mother/son relationship.

Now don't get me wrong. There are a ton of gorgeous moments, too.

Like when I pick him up as he's screaming and he immediately softens. Reaches up. And wraps his darling Popeye arms around my neck. And then smiles RIGHT INTO MY EYES. Cue heart melt. Oh wait. I'm crying again.

Like when I put him on his play mat and show him how to reach up and touch the rattling mobile with his hand. AND THEN HE DOES IT BY HIMSELF. I taught him something and HE LEARNED IT. Crying over here.

Like trading in my R&B Pandora stations for Baby Einstein. We jog and sing to the hokey pokey, twinkle twinkle, and thankfully, those songs that Jack Johnson did for some children's movie. Yeah, the other outdoor exercisers in the neighborhood can hear us coming. Straight from old McDonald's farm.

Like when he's just finished nursing, and he looks up at me with those sleepy-happy eyes, milk dribbling down his cheek, and just yawns (and often farts), wriggles around a bit and finally sighs himself into a deep sleep. Knowing that I met all his needs is the BEST feeling.

I think I'm becoming a mom.